Player Profiles


Gordon Thompson - Gordon is our ginger keeper that is a Scottish champion at badminton. He's our head singer in the changing room before the games and in the warm up. When the game starts, he misses nothing (we only wish he could do the same playing football in goals!!!).

Robert Hamilton - Young Boab is a class keeper. Brother of James, Robert is very much like his brother, as it is like trying to get blood out of a stone getting cash of him to pay for his football. After one can of beer he will sing a song for anyone on any bus.


Ruairidh Grenfell - Roo is one of the most committed players in the Sparta team. If he could stop blowing kisses to the opponents and spectators and just concentrate on his football, he would have no problem holding down a place in the Sparta team. He can play anywhere, even in goals, and he has a new "bird's" haircut for every game.

Marcos Aranda - Recently named father of the month, Marcos is one of the more temperamental players within the team. Always last out the showers (with Rab), I think his new born baby is a cover up for something else. I'm saying nothing!

Gordon Burnside - Recently crocked his ankle, and now pushing for a place in the disabled team in the Commonwealth Games (more chance of him going than Gordon Thompson!). Gourdy is our dead ball specialist and also likes a kiss and cuddle after every goal.

Steven Samson - The worst midfielder within our team. He's not bad at centre half though, and is lead singer of the team's band "The Spice Boys". Steven also takes the warm up before the games.

James Hamilton - Sparta legend. James is widely known as the best sex in the world for the past two years. James is the main student of the team and insists on paying for his football in instalments. One game he was 20p short because his Irn-Bru bottle smashed.

Colin Reston - Colin is a solid right back, but is partial to selling the odd goal or two. He has sold that many goals recently, that he only has one payment left on his mortgage. Colin is also one of the team's captains.

Stephen Thomas - Lost in Vietnam... give us our tracksuit back :-D

Brett Phillips - Limited to when he can play, he is also limited when he plays. Sister is class (so I've been told).


Andy MacIntyre - Andy Mac Wac Wac Wac, still looking for the key for his ball and chain. Andy's ambition is to find a pass to one of his team mates' feet this year. He's got a gold card for McDonald's and Gregg's the bakers. And his sister's been dealt with by Rosco (now you know Andy!!!)

Michael Kelly - Now in his 14th spell with Sparta, and his 5th game, Michael's fondest memory is giving away a handball in the last minute of the last game of the season v Hearts to lose us the league. He has a touch of class though.

James Taylor - Known to the team as Stinky T-bag, James has yet to have a shower after any Sparta game to date. Also one of "The Spice Boys" James has received plenty of support this season from the management team and also from his wonderbra to hold up his man-boobs (or pecs as he likes to call them).

Stephen Giannini - Ganja, a new member of the Sparta family. Stephen is by far one of the best players ever to pull on a Sparta top. He is a leader of men and every other player within the squad should aspire to be Stevie G. The lad is class.

Kenny Montgomery - Another club captain, Kenny is known to be sitter-boy. He always has a nose bleed when entering the opponents 18 yard box. Kenny is also one of the elder members of the team, and has been seen in the middle of the park with a zimmer on occasions. One of the most consistent players in the squad.

Richie Clark - Richie is another new face in the squad, and on his debut he was sick in the middle of the park, possibly due to the smell of James Taylor. Richie is also said to be on the register as he is a school teacher who always has a bag of sweets and a cheeky wee smile!

Alan Maxwell - Known as Albert, he is one of the youngest members of the squad. He had his first fight last year, and has never looked back. Albert is regarded as a Sparta hero to all the other lads as he lost his virginity at a tourney in Leeds in the summer to some wee loudmouth slapper.

Ross Ferguson - Also one of "The Spice Boys" Ross, away from singing, is a part-time model. He has had photo shoots in some prestige venues such as Pablo's bar gents toilet and the Polo lounge in Glasgow city centre. Ross thinks he's a player, but he also thinks he's a model. Need I say more?


David Anderson - Known as Offside Son, you can always find him between the goalkeeper and last defender if anyone's looking for him. David is always blowing his own trumpet, and has been seen in the brass band at Ibrox. Tut Tut Tut.

Robert Stirling - Marcos' shower buddy, Rab is the main engine of the team. Unfortunately that engine belongs to a Lada, but is still chugging along nicely. He is 4 foot 2 inches, but can jump to 7 foot 2. Everyone watch out when Rab's about, especially in the showers!

Chris Collins - What can I say about Christopher? He is one of the nicest boys in the team. He is also very conservative and if you ever ask him to do anything, he is only too happy to oblige. Chris is a true professional, and one day will surely be a future Sparta captain.


Charlie Kirkwood - What can be said about Charlie that hasn't been said before? He's got a full head of hair and lighting pace!!!!! He takes much of his leadership style from Hitler, but it seems to work. He knows every one of the players inside out, and knows all their limitations. Although he gets on most of the players backs at times, it is always for a reason, and that is one of the main reasons why Sparta Jag are the best and most successful Partick Thistle supporters team in the world!!!!

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